


Vent

by orphan_account



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: This a vent fic, so you've been warned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-29
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2020-05-28 18:35:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19400005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Virgil’s scared to come out. But that’s kind of ridiculous. . .isn’t it?





	Vent

_ Mama, I’m gay. _ Virgil glanced at the woman in question only for a brief moment before looking away. He had hyped himself up over this for days. And yet. . he was scared - he had no right to be scared. This was such a stupid thing to be anxious over. It was ridiculous, really. Because his mom had no issue with queer people. Because his mom would never kick him out. Because she loved him and he knew that she always would, no matter how weird he got. He knew that. He knew she loved him. He  _ knew _ .

But. But she had said that being gay was a mental illness. She had said it was unnatural. She had said those things, and she had denounced asexuality. Virgil wasn’t asexual, but it didn’t really matter. How easily could those views be cast upon him? How easily could those same condemnations switch to his sexuality?

It didn’t matter, though. Because she loved him. And her kids always came first to her. And she had said she didn’t think gay people needed to be fixed or go to therapy because being gay wasn’t inhibiting their lives. She had said she tended to like gay people more than straight people, anyway. She had no problem with queer people.

So, Virgil had nothing to be worried about. She wouldn’t be weird about it. God, she probably already knew. She made enough comments with implications that Virgil obsessively over-thought because what she said made it sound like she knew, or at least like she suspected, and definitely like she was fine with it. With  _ him _ .

Obviously. She loved him. She wouldn’t disown him for something as inconsequential as his sexuality. He couldn’t control it, and really, she wasn’t homophobic. She hadn’t disowned him for his mental disorders. She hadn’t disowned him for the way he couldn’t talk to people well. She hadn’t disowned him for his panic attacks. She hadn’t disowned him for getting into witchcraft or ouija boards or tarot cards or (briefly) satanism. She hadn’t disowned him for the music he liked that she hated. She hadn’t disowned him for the way he dressed that she never would have normally considered. She had never disowned him for anything, and she never  _ would _ .

But he couldn’t forget what she’d said when he’d broached the topic with her before.  **Unnatural.** It was a brand across his soul. And that was stupid. Because she hadn’t said that to him or about him. She hadn’t even known he was queer when she said it. She probably didn’t even remember she had. She probably had no idea that even the  _ thought _ of her knowing this fact about him, that he liked girls, but also boys, and also people who were both or neither or something else altogether, made him have panic attacks because of one stupid, flippant comment.

It was so stupid. If he could just say the words, he’d see. Virgil knew if he just told her, ripped the band-aid off, he would see that she really did love him unconditionally. It was no matter what. If she knew her own son was queer ( _ pansexual _ , Virgil’s mind supplied, the word that had resonated so soundly with him, but which still didn’t feel real), maybe her views would change.

He wanted to tell her so badly. The words were banging against the backs of his teeth. He didn’t keep big secrets from his mom, not like this. He needed to talk about these things with someone to really process them, but more than that, he wanted his mom to know who he was.

And, yeah, maybe he did want -  _ need _ \- to hear her say that she still loved him and that he was okay and that he didn’t need to change. Maybe that was the most important thing here, that validation that he  _ could _ be queer. Maybe he wanted to hear that he was still  _ worthy _ of unconditional love, even if he wasn’t like his siblings. Maybe he wanted to cry a little bit because he wasn’t straight, he wasn’t the default, and it was so stressful but at least he knew that his mom would be there for him no matter what. Maybe he wanted the comfort of being known and accepted.

But everytime he thought about, his heart started abusing his chest and his lungs compressed until there wasn’t enough space for any air left in them and he shook and he was scared. He was so scared of something so stupid, something he knew wouldn’t happen.

**But what if?**

Virgil quietly had his panic attack while sitting on the couch next to his mom, and when he was done, words beating against the backs of his teeth for escape and stomach a hollow pit over what needed to be done, Virgil got up and got a snack. So he wouldn’t do it today. He wouldn’t do it now. He would just have to do it later. He could wrangle this fear first. It was manageable. It was fine.

He would just tell her another day.


End file.
